Jun 23, 2012

Ragheads on Wheels

A while back, one of the local MSF coaches told me I should check out the Parts Unlimited catalog for do-rags. More recently, Paul Young pointed me at Iron Horse Helmets (a mis-named website if there ever was one) to look at the neoprene face masks. Considering that the children who wear this crap are about as rabid anti-helmeters as douchebags get, you have to wonder why they want to cover their ugly faces and bald heads with napkins and wet-suit material. I've worn a wet suit in the ocean, but I can't imagine the up-side to wearing one on my face on a hot summer day. 

However, having looked at images like the one at left, I get it. This is a "truth in advertising" thing. A clown mask for a clown. Makes perfect sense. We all know what's under the mask and this is clearly an improvement. If Lady Bird Johnson were alive, she'd call this "highway beautification." If you click on the clown mask, you can see the whole collection, all 182 of them, of Iron Horse's neoprene face bags. Maybe you can find one that is just right for your next convenience store hold-up. In fact, I'd sort of like to know why cops don't fire a few warning shots into these things just to get the morons' attention? Seems like a reasonable response to someone wearing a mask in public. 

The napkin craze is totally over the top. There are at least eight pages of these girlyman things in the Parts Unlimited catalog (click the the nancyboy's picture at right and feast your eyes on the douchebaggery). Amazing. You'd think the napkin pages would be followed by a selection of pancake premixes and griddles. If I'm gonna look like a fool, I at least want to be cooking something edible while I do it. (Damn that kid has a lame "biker stare." He looks about as badass as Bill Clinton after a two day intern-boinking binge.)

Crap! I bet I know what the next non-helmet biker hat craze will be: a chef's hat. Everything the dochebags love is wrapped up on one stupid looking hat: uselessness, clownish appearance, a way to hide a bald head, and head wear that makes a Harley look like it's moving faster than a crawl. Freakin' awesome. Right now, the typical chef's hat costs about $3. We should corner the market and wait for the biker clowns to catch up to us, then sell hats for $10 each (the going price for biker napkins). Tell me that the fruitcake on the left doesn't look like he belongs on a Harley. 


Erik R said...

Did you notice that the place that sells the face masks also sells "solid metal helmet spikes"? Just perfect to mount on their pudding cup helmets. I'm sure they'd feel great in a crash.... as they push back through the helmet and into the skull! The also sell the ultimate, a "disco ball" helmet. It's a helmet covered in tiny pieces of mirror. Pirates.... go figure!

Paul said...

Or better yet, when the rider gets ejected, the spike digs in and torques the rider's head and neck (if the helmet is strapped on), resulting in death.
"See, I told you those things would break your neck!"

T.W. Day said...

I used to call those lame hats "toilet bowls," but I kinda like "pudding cup" better. I tried it today when I asked one of my MSF students to attach the strap on his pudding cup and got exactly the blank stare you'd expect from someone who would wear one of those things. Of course, it was a borrowed hat and he plans to ride (badly) helmetless and let his 7 hairs fly in the wind.

Sometimes I think the only thing I like about humans is that we are clearly unfit to survive and won't be contaminating the earth a lot longer.

Roswell said...

You could at least mention the biker beards: http://ironhorsehelmets.com/bearded-facemasks/

Erik R said...

Roswell, Good catch... I missed that. Here's the description.

"Attitude meets performance. Sport this insulated ski mask with comfortable lined neoprene, woven thermal fleece and stylish 12" synthetic beard on the slopes, riding your Harley or exploring the polar ice cap. This universal one-size-fits-all design securely holds the mask in place and is easy to wear/remove. The advanced mask design covers the ears, face and neck from the harshest of cold-weather conditions. Let your adventurous side show with the one and only Beardski."

Attitude meets performance? Bad=Dumb?

T.W. Day said...

You clearly have a higher tolerance for being creeped-out than me. That is one seriously gross product. The only thing left for these people to sell is a scrotum face, including pubic hair.