Sep 2, 2009

A New Traffic Violation

On our trip north, my grandson had a lot of time to observe traffic and he came up with a new traffic offence category; DWBAD. Like DWI and DUI and the crazy list of drunk driving acronym's, we decided that DWBAD should have some serious consequences. Wolf is a beginning filmmaker and is always thinking scripts when he describes anything. Here was the first scenario we worked out together:

Sir, I need your license and insurance information, please.

What's the problem, officer?

License and insurance, please.

[Digs into his pants for his billfold and roots around in the glovebox for the insurance info, while complaining]
I don't know why you stopped me. I wasn't speeding. What else could I do on the freeway that would make you pull me out of the crowd?

[Looks at the license and paperwork]
Would you step out of the car, please?

[Now looking very worried, but getting out of his car.]
What's going on?

Step away from the vehicle, sir.

[As the driver moves away from his car, he notices another cop climbing out of the cop car, lugging a huge weapon. It looks, in fact, like a cannon of the sort you see in science fiction movies.]

What the . . . ?

[The second cop aims the cannon at the driver's car and, in an instant, vaporizes it on the spot.]

What the holy hell are you assholes doing? You freakin' destroyed my car? What did you do that for?

DWBAD, sir. I have you on camera, clearly DWBAD and I have authorization to prevent you from continuing to risk the safety of other drivers. Have a nice day, sir.
[The cop turns to leave. The second cop loads his cannon back into the car and climbs into the passenger's seat.]

What the f**k? What the hell is DWBD?

DWBAD, sir. Driving while being a douchebag. Two miles back, you cut off a motorcycle when you changed lanes for no good reason. A half-mile later, you were tailgating a station wagon full of kids so closely that they could count your nose hairs. In the last half-mile, you were so involved in your cell phone conversation that you took up three lanes and that still didn't give other drivers a safe margin. DWBAD, sir.

Where are you going with my license and insurance stuff? How the hell am I supposed to get home?

Sorry, sir. You can have the insurance card back. My mistake.
[The cop returns the insurance card.]
The license has been cancelled. You can apply for a new one in 2015.
As for getting home, I'd suggest you start walking. You're going to be doing a lot of that for the next six years.

And that's the story. My father used to have a saying, "fire a couple of warning shots to the head," when he described what cops ought to do to stupid drivers. The "driving while being a douchebag" concept is just an extension of that fairly radical suggestion from an incredibly non-radical man.

Look for the animated video of this on YouTube, any day now.


Anonymous said...


Funny, only inasmuch as it relates to a very unfunny reality. When I was taking acting classes many years ago, my instructor told us that one of the important elements of comedy was truth.


T.W. Day said...

And now we know why the right wing can't find an answer to Jon Stewart.

On 2 Wheels for 21+ Years said...

I love it. I don't even have to be on my motorcycle to get frustrated with drivers under the influence of being a doucebag. I laughed. Bravo.